Let’s talk about Conflict and Co-Regulation…How do you feel about conflict? How do you respond to it? Do you typically avoid active conflict? Or, are you comfortable with conflict, even heated debate? Do you use conflict as a way to agree and disagree in order to find compromise? How often do you participate with conflict towards repair and resolution with your colleagues, friends, partners, family or children?

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Our childhood family was the first group we were part of and it creates the initial nervous system map at which we navigate groups and conflict throughout our life. It is where we first learn co-regulation. As humans, our nervous systems co-regulate in relationship. This means we decide whether we are safe or not both by how we individually feel and how the people around us feel. The challenge is that feelings are not often linear or logical. If someone’s nervous system around us is in fight, flight or freeze, it tells our nervous system there is danger present and we need to be alert. It does not matter if this is perceived or real danger. In the most extreme case, this is why vicarious trauma can be more contagious than the flu. But, our nervous system doesn’t need to be traumatized to be activated. We can feel unstable, unsafe and unsteady from the smallest of changes in our environment or relationships especially if they have negative associations with experiences from our past. 

Are you curious how co-regulation and conflict resolution are related? We learn to co-regulate in response to dis-ease and ease, to disconnection and connection, to challenge and opportunity - all reflecting a type of conflict and resolution. Conflict resolution requires a dance between the co-regulation of care for self and care for others. If we tend to avoid conflict, we can co-regulate by merging, pleasing, withdrawing or not participating (all abandoning the self or other) as opposed to more adaptively co-regulating by including care for yourself and others, finding shared compromise, repair and deeper connection.  

We live in a society that promotes self-growth and dyadic repair in partnership or relationship, but does not as often recognize the importance of community and group support for co-regulation. When it is a 1:1 relationship activating our nervous system, conflict resolution is necessary to find a way for both nervous systems to co-regulate in an adaptive way as opposed to a historically patterned (no longer useful) way. The possibility for resolution and change is dependent on the strategies of the nervous systems of the 2 individuals involved. In contrast, when we are in a group of 3 or more, there are more possibilities in a nervous system response because of the varying adaptabilities and resiliencies of each individual within the group. As a result, in groups our nervous systems can learn to co-regulate with more possibilities, allowing for greater adaptability for each individual. 

If we apply co-regulation to kids, the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” comes to mind. If our children are raised by parents, chosen family, fairy god parents, aunties, uncles and community - they develop more adaptive nervous systems. However, this requires conflict resolution because there are inevitably different styles of parenting/authroity, co-regulation and connection. If parents don’t have opportunities to share parenting, than kids often have their parents as their main co-regulators. This is a big ask on individual parent nervous systems. Therefore, beyond self care, support groups for co-parenting and learning conflict resolutions skills are the necessary practice for how to build communities of belonging and repair around kids and families. 

We often re-create the original dynamics of our original group, our childhood family. We do this over and over again in friends, work and even the families we create,  until we develop new more adaptive possibilities through new experiences. Group work expedites the possibility for change because it offers our nervous system a chance to experience and practice more possibilities at once. 

CHANGES in my work…

Moving forward I will be offering more group opportunities with more limited availability for one on one work. If you are curious about group work, have never done it, and feel like you need more information to feel open to it…please reach out for a chat.

I am really excited about some new groups….Reach out if you are interested in learning more…

Fight Better - Conflict Resolution Group: Learn individual strategies to regulate your nervous system and co-regulate. You will also learn interpersonal relational and mediation skills, you can apply to conflict resolutions in all your relationships. Connect 

Co-Parenting Group - This group is for parents, step parents or aunties/uncles/grandparents/fairy god parents who are collaborating in parenting and raising children. You will learn strategies for conflict resolution and how to create effective co-parenting structures that support everyone, especially children. It takes a village, this is how you create one. Connect 

Kids Co-Regulation Groups (in person): Small groups of tweens (9-12) and  teens (13-16) using activities to build social skills, confidence and full range emotional literacy. Reach out if you want to get your kid involved. (Groups are created on an on-going basis, must be at least 3 participants to start a group, times vary based schedule availability of participants.) Connect 

Read more of my writing on my blog…

OFFERINGS

Connect with me for Coaching or Mediation: My intention is to help you build structures that support nervous system agility and exquisite (higher volume) care for yourself, your family, your business and your communities in challenging times of uncertainty, big divisions and fear through finding new options and pathways for outdated patterns and past traumas towards more resilience, joy and even playfulness. I offer Family System Coaching Packages for 7, 14 and 21 sessions. I offer individuals an introductory 5 session package as well as 4 sessions a month for a minimum of 6 months. My business and non-profit consulting is customized to the needs of the organization. For a 20 minute free consultation: Connect

Developing Peer Mentorship Training Programs in your Org or Business: if your interested in building a training program in your non-profit or business, reach out. I provide the infrastructure and training to efficiently build a program around the skill you want to teach participants or employees, while incorporating how we care for ourselves and care for one another, through conflict and repair, allowing for more sustainable systems and the outcome you want in your org or business.

ADDITIONAL GROUPS AND OFFERINGS:

Family Coaching Groups

Drop-in Group: Parenting with Support - Wednesdays at 12pm PST. Join any Wednesday, just reach out for zoom link!  

My dream is to disrupt the isolation in parenting and prioritize thriving family nervous systems, transforming generations through support and intentional community.  This group invites parents into a container of support to have the opportunity to parent together. All with the vision that more webs of communities and connections will grow from there.  Please reach out if you are interested in joining the parenting group and please share the opportunity with parent’s who you think might be interested!

Social Entrepreneur Networking Group - Mondays at 8am PT, join any Monday.

Join a growing community of entrepreneurs from underrepresented or underestimated communities who are dedicated to giving back to their communities. We meet monthly to network, collaborate and dream up the world we want to co-create. Connect

Finding Hope in Times of Despair Writing Group : Moving Beyond Survival towards …Together building a new world for ourselves and the next generations Fridays at 8am PT, Join any Friday, just reach out for zoom link!  

Join a writing group that focuses on curiosity with prompts, sharing and community support around how we can all better support our nervous systems through inevitable change to build the world we want for ourselves and the generations to come. The group’s intention is to find hope in despair as well as agency in knowing when to stretch to take risks, and when to slow down and nurture - better caring for ourselves, others and the world. Connect

Climbing Coaching and Boxing Coaching

Add indoor or outdoor climbing or boxing to your coaching package to embody your or your child’s shifts in a new way. Reach out if you are interested!

Check out climbing website: www.katwhippleclimbing.com

If you are CURIOUS about my offerings…connect with me for a 20 minute chat.