Mystery is something that is difficult or impossible to understand…but it is also part of what hope and faith are rooted in, especially in the face of uncertainty or things deeply outside of our control. How do you navigate mystery, after you have done all the tangible things you can do and thought through all the logical approaches? In what ways do you trust or mistrust yourself or others when things feel uncertain, out of your control or even hopeless? How are you leaning more into mystery?

Connect with me for a free 20 minute consultation for coaching!

Three foundations, I was taught…

In 2012, I interviewed tons of young people and young parents who had been through the foster care system. Through my interviews, they all predominately told me three things as advice, which they would tell expecting young parents:

1. Learn how to believe in yourself

2. Develop a belief in something bigger

3. Build a community of support around you

I have found that the wisdom these young parents shared with me translates to everyone and every family I have ever known. Since then, I've been cultivating this in my own life, too. I have also woven these principles into the fabrics of every program, every organization I've started, and also every family or individual I have worked with as a coach.

I was reminded of these three pieces of advice while having dinner with a dear friend, in her 80’s. For context, she has been part of my chosen family—like a mother to me since I was 18. She and her daughter Elise, who had developmental disabilities, raised me through some of the most formative years of my twenties. I worked with them for over 10 years, and they became part of my heart. I'd like to think I became part of theirs, too.

While we were at dinner, she told me many stories and regularly referenced three words: mystery, possibilities, and curiosity. The focus was on how to teach these themes, or, in my words, allow them to be experienced and transferable to others. 

While the three foundations I was taught are interconnected with each other, they also seem to weave between the words my friend shared. The belief in something bigger becomes mystery. The belief in yourself and building community through relationships becomes curiosity and possibilities. From my perspective, they all involve building trust in intimacy with self, others and something bigger, all while trusting in timing.

Do you trust yourself? How did you learn to? Do you trust a bigger force holds you? What do you believe in?  And, do you trust others and yourself with others in community?

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Noticing your nervous system response is key to rebuilding trust with yourself.  Oftentimes we are taught to override our body and our emotional responses to things. We are taught not to trust ourselves and our intuitive gut. We are taught to push through, force, or ignore. We are told what we are feeling is not allowed or not true. But if we stop ignoring the messages of our nervous system, it gives us a complete map on how to not only better care for ourselves, but also how to rebuild trust with ourselves.

Finding the presence and curiosity of a child can assist in building trust with yourself.  Children or the child inside us show us ways in which we can be so present and delight in the most incredible or mundane of things. Even if as kids we weren't allowed to be kids because of circumstances in our lives, as adults we can choose the opportunity to have that curiosity and that playfulness despite the circumstances. This opens possibilities.

First, we have to get really curious…Notice and recognize what your behaviors are, what your patterns are, and the quality at which you treat yourself along the way. 

Second, establish markers or tells…Find little tells that help you notice the frequency of patterns, behaviors and responses, so you can eventually disrupt them. Maybe it's defensiveness, maybe it's people pleasing, maybe it's abandoning yourself or your own needs, or not even knowing your own needs.

Third, acknowledge and show up for an apology…Actually tell yourself what you are committing to change and let yourself know you will mess up, but you will always come back and show up for repair. I am reminded of a story I heard where a mother hears her daughter say “I love you” (to herself), and then “I love you too” (back to herself.) 

Fourth, creating new pathways through disruption and repetition. When our nervous system hijacks us and puts us into old patterns - like a highway back to what’s familiar or how we learned to respond from our parents or other formative experiences. What we want to do is create little dirt paths of new possibilities by disrupting the old patterns. The more we disrupt and replace old patterns the little dirt paths or new possibilities can become more established through repetition. Then, we have the potential to create more possibilities and actually change our brains in the process.

Trust in Community and Relationships

How we build intimacy and trust in community largely depends on how willing we are to participate in conflict and resolution. Otherwise, we're likely fawning, pleasing, avoiding, or defending/blaming to stay away from conflict and the vulnerability required in repair.

What we want to do is be able to step into repair of conflict and have tools and pathways to do that. When we have mistrust in ourselves on how to handle it—based on past experiences, what people have told us, the delusions other people have told us, the stories they've had about us—it's harder to trust ourselves. We need these check-in moments, these points where we learn how to rebuild that trust in ourselves and while simultaneously building the trust in others. Practicing - bit by bit, over and over again.

Once we have more trust in ourselves, we have something more to stand on, but we have to keep practicing. Trust evolves and grows, it doesn’t just appear and with time it helps us build the deeper intimacy we want in our relationships and connections. It allows us to receive feedback, recognize our impact and change our behavior. It helps us better handle when people say things that are ouchie or that hurt us, because we can stand in our own self enough that we don't collapse and can instead listen.

If we collapse, we lose presence with the feelings that other people are having or sharing. All feelings are valid. What I'm feeling and what you're feeling—they're both true. But, that means how we talk about them can’t be in blame or defense. It's acknowledging that they're all true, and asking: How do you both move forward with this rebuilding trust, without betraying yourself or the other person? How do you show up in repair?

Mystery of Something Bigger

After talking with my friend, I was left with this question: How do we teach the mystery of trusting in something bigger?

I think where I see it held the most is in faith—in how we develop a sense of spiritual practice, how we believe in something bigger than ourselves. It doesn't have to be in the constructs of church, it doesn't have to be facilitated by someone. It could be a mystery practice, as a way to navigate what you can’t control. 

I felt the something that is bigger when my friend told me about meeting monks. She talked about how they exuded this peace, this energy, this way about them—a resonance of truth. I felt what she was talking about, but I didn't quite have the words. She told me that they had this beautiful container with two dice in it, and rolling the dice represented participating with the mystery of life.

What does faith look like to you? What does our own spiritual or mystery practice look like? How do you draw hope and faith from believing in something bigger, whether it's nature, or God(s), or quantum physics?

Trusting Something Bigger

It's vulnerable to connect to yourself. Its vulnerable to connect with others. It's vulnerable to connect with what you really desire in the world, and what you really feel about the world around you. It's vulnerable to put something out into the world that might get rejected or that you might not get. It’s vulnerable to have hope and trust.

In that rebuilding of trust with ourselves, we can lean into the mystery of life, the uncertainty of life, and build a trust in the unknown. And, vice versa, we can also find the support, and community we need to do it over and over again. 

I am here to support you wherever you are on your journey…reach out and Connect 

Read more of my writing on my blog…

OFFERINGS

Connect with me for Coaching or Mediation: My intention is to help you build structures that support nervous system agility and exquisite (higher volume) care for yourself, your family, your business and your communities in challenging times of uncertainty, big divisions and fear through finding new options and pathways for outdated patterns and past traumas towards more resilience, joy and even playfulness. I offer Family System Coaching Packages for 7, 14 and 21 sessions. I offer individuals an introductory 5 session package as well as 4 sessions a month for a minimum of 6 months. My business and non-profit consulting is customized to the needs of the organization. For a 20 minute free consultation: Connect

Developing Peer Mentorship Training Programs in your Org or Business: if your interested in building a training program in your non-profit or business, reach out. I provide the infrastructure and training to efficiently build a program around the skill you want to teach participants or employees, while incorporating how we care for ourselves and care for one another, through conflict and repair, allowing for more sustainable systems and the outcome you want in your org or business.

CHANGES in my work…

Moving forward I will be offering more group opportunities with more limited availability for one on one work. If you are curious about group work, have never done it, and feel like you need more information to feel open to it…please reach out for a chat.

I am really excited about some new groups….Reach out if you are interested in learning more…

Fight Better - Conflict Resolution Group: Learn individual strategies to regulate your nervous system and co-regulate. You will also learn interpersonal relational and mediation skills, you can apply to conflict resolutions in all your relationships. Connect 

Co-Parenting Group - This group is for parents, step parents or aunties/uncles/grandparents/fairy god parents who are collaborating in parenting and raising children. You will learn strategies for conflict resolution and how to create effective co-parenting structures that support everyone, especially children. It takes a village, this is how you create one. Connect 

Kids Co-Regulation Groups (in person): Small groups of tweens (9-12) and  teens (13-16) using activities to build social skills, confidence and full range emotional literacy. Reach out if you want to get your kid involved. (Groups are created on an on-going basis, must be at least 3 participants to start a group, times vary based schedule availability of participants.) C

ADDITIONAL GROUPS AND OFFERINGS:

Family Coaching Drop-in Group: Parenting with Support - Wednesdays at 12pm PST. Join any Wednesday, just reach out for zoom link!  

My dream is to disrupt the isolation in parenting and prioritize thriving family nervous systems, transforming generations through support and intentional community.  This group invites parents into a container of support to have the opportunity to parent together. All with the vision that more webs of communities and connections will grow from there.  Please reach out if you are interested in joining the parenting group and please share the opportunity with parent’s who you think might be interested!

Social Entrepreneur Networking Group - Mondays at 8am PT, join any Monday.

Join a growing community of entrepreneurs from underrepresented or underestimated communities who are dedicated to giving back to their communities. We meet monthly to network, collaborate and dream up the world we want to co-create. Connect

Finding Hope in Times of Despair Writing Group : Moving Beyond Survival towards …Together building a new world for ourselves and the next generations Fridays at 8am PT, Join any Friday, just reach out for zoom link!  

Join a writing group that focuses on curiosity with prompts, sharing and community support around how we can all better support our nervous systems through inevitable change to build the world we want for ourselves and the generations to come. The group’s intention is to find hope in despair as well as agency in knowing when to stretch to take risks, and when to slow down and nurture - better caring for ourselves, others and the world. Connect

Add Climbing Coaching and Boxing Coaching

Add indoor or outdoor climbing or boxing to your coaching package to embody your or your child’s shifts in a new way. Reach out if you are interested!

Check out climbing website: www.katwhippleclimbing.com

If you are CURIOUS about my offerings…connect with me for a 20 minute chat.